*Pessimist:* you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump
anyway.

*Optimist:* you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps
just like this before.

*Procrastinator:* you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

*Bureaucrat:* you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.

*Lawyer:* you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

*Doctor:* you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the
parachute in order to make your next appointment.

*Sales executive:* you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and
get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

*Internal Revenue Service:* you confiscate the parachute along with
their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

*Advertiser:* you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a
neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

*Engineer:* you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.

*Scientist:* you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a
report on how well it worked.

*Mathematician:* you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that
it will work in all cases.

*Philosophy:* you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

*English:* you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.

*Comparative Literature:* you read the parachute instructions in all
four languages.

*Computer Science:* you design a machine capable of operating a
parachute as well as a human being could.

*Economics:* you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

*Psychoanalysis:* you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds
them of.

*Drama:* you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character
of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

*Art:* you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

*Republican:* as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work
hard and not expect handouts.

*Democrat:* you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut
the parachute into two equal pieces.

*Libertarian:* after reminding them of their constitutional right to
have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

*Ross Perot:* you tell them not to worry, since it wonUt take you long
to learn how to fix a plane.

*Surgeon General:* you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous
to your health.

*Association of Tobacco Growers:* you explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

*National Rifle Association:* you shoot them and take the parachute.

*Police Bigot:* you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

*Environmentalist:* you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.

*Objectivist:* your only rational and moral choice is to take the
parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

*Branch Davidian (David Koresh):* you get inside the parachute and
refuse to come out.

*Sports Fan:* you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

*Auto Mechanic:* as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it
works fine.